


pictures i’m living through for now

by pampampimpumpimpimpumpumpim



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Not K-Pop Idols, M/M, Mentions of Death, Past Character Death, baking is soobin's love language y'all, beomgyu is a talking picture, i fr got this idea watching harry potter reading the little prince and thinking about soogyu, kind of hurt/comfort i think, soobin would die for beomgyu and that's a big mood honestly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-06
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-18 12:55:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29243940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pampampimpumpimpimpumpumpim/pseuds/pampampimpumpimpimpumpumpim
Summary: “woah, hold on,” beomgyu giggled again. “it’s rude to not say your name back.”“soobin,” he mumbled, “my name is soobin.”afterwards, beomgyu kept his word and started explaining, carefully watching soobin’s expressions as he revealed facts one by one.“i would start with the most important one; i’m dead.”-one day, the picture in soobin's room starts talking.
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Choi Soobin, Choi Soobin/Kang Taehyun, Choi Yeonjun/Huening Kai
Comments: 12
Kudos: 54





	pictures i’m living through for now

**Author's Note:**

> hello, i'm still not confident with my english, so if you see any mistakes/typos, please, look away or tell me how to improve ^-^ enjoy <3

_goodbye, love. you flew right by, love._

_“it will pass,” people say. how selfish of them. “i know how you feel,” they add. how inconsiderate of them. the words of toxic positivity claiming that the point of view changes everything or how there was no good or bad; it’s not in their intention to help. even if it was, they don't plan on helping anyone but themselves. people love to be helpful. they feel worthy knowing they brightened up one’s day._

_soobin despised those people. his usual soft-spoken and endlessly friendly self felt rather saddened by their pointless endeavours. perhaps they had ruined his way of perceiving and accepting help. he never complained, vented, nor spoke about what he truly felt, after all._

_he would describe the majority of his relationships with the word ‘one-sided’. the people who surrounded him inevitably got accustomed to their friend listening to their struggles, never asking for anything in return. soobin knew it was nobody else’s fault but his._

_he did try to open up whenever he felt like his inner world was crumbling down on him yet people always responded with empty words of acknowledgement. later on, he stopped trying, finding that pretending was easier._

_hueningkai, though, was a whole different story. the boy whose laughter sounded like angels singing. the boy who felt warmer than a fireplace during a cold night. the boy who listened with his heart. he never let soobin push him away, no matter how many times soobin tried to distance himself. hueningkai indeed was a key to soobin’s locked heart._

_however, soobin kept his heart locked and hidden in a safe under a rock in the deepest parts of the pacific ocean, with no map to find it. hueningkai, probably, was an explorer. timidly but steadily, he approached soobin. soobin never understood where the boy found that amount of patience. he would never try that hard to befriend himself if he was hueningkai._

the many years of friendship taught him to try to accept help - that being the reason of soobin’s unsurprised expression when the younger boy sent him a package. carefully, soobin ripped the box open, revealing a framed photograph.

soobin felt dazed seeing that the picture showed a handsome young boy laying on the grass with flowers in his hair. his skin was bright, eyes forming crescents with how widely he smiled. the boy was clothed in a white shirt with iridescent butterflies, plain black jeans and adorable brown leather shoes with tiny ladybugs printed on them.

he expected any explanation; a note, a message or even a phone call. hueningkai was easier to read than he thought. his obvious efforts to get soobin interested, to make him reach out first; and since soobin felt like he owed it to his friend, he dialled his number.

soobin’s legs shook with anxiety when the boy didn’t pick up the call. _maybe he’s just busy._ a pit of worry started forming in soobin’s stomach. _perhaps getting used to something was way more dangerous than he reckoned._

the precisely hung picture felt strange in soobin’s bedroom. every single piece of furniture or even the clothes he owned somehow felt out of place. but that picture - soobin connected that unusual feeling to the affection he felt towards hueningkai who gifted it to him.

falling asleep with teary eyes and stained cheeks became soobin's nightly habit. he breathlessly tried to calm down with his face on his pillow, so as not to disturb a single soul passing by his flat. he contemplated whether new neighbours had moved in as he would swear he could hear faint voices.

_soobin hadn’t been living there for long. he moved to seoul when he was only eighteen. right after he graduated, he moved into his grandparent’s house. the lovely old couple adored the boy endlessly. he used to spend hours sitting and listening to their stories about their beloved daughter. soobin kept all their stories close to the heart. after he found his dream job in a bakery in the suburbs, he was forced to leave the picturesque outskirts._

_the big city indeed scared him. he soon found out that living on his own was nowhere near what the western films portrayed. he simply didn’t feel like partying every other day, nor enjoying the nightlife. moving out wasn’t his new, fresh start. to soobin, it felt like a mere step back. perhaps he felt too comfortable in his safe zone._

_t_ _he bakery he worked at became his home. it’s pastel yellow walls and white furniture reminded him of his grandmother’s kitchen and the grand windows that let rays of sun fill the place reminded him of their living room that he used to watch cartoons in._

_he even found new friends among the coworkers, the customers always left with smiles decorating their faces, and everything felt right. his little utopia unfortunately lasted only for a few hours before he had to head back ‘home’._

_what the films didn’t show was the emptiness; his flat lacked any additional furniture that would hint a person lived there. every time he stepped in, he doubted it was his apartment. it was nothing similar to what he was used to - there weren’t any pictures on the walls, the old couch creaked everytime a car passed by the building… he couldn’t even afford a proper bed, albeit sleeping on a mattress on the floor was strangely comfortable._

_the apartment slowly started gaining new appliances; whether it was one of hueningkai’s plushies he forgot there or random plants his coworkers gifted him. sadly, he couldn’t buy a new couch or some paintings of sceneries for his heart. thus, it remained hollow. the last year of his teen years left a bittersweet sensation all over his body. nowhere felt like home and there was no place to go back to. if it wasn’t for hueningkai, soobin would had given up._

_even before he turned twenty-one, he got used to his ordinary life. he talked to the customers at work, listened to their worries as if they had known each other since childhood, he spent time with his friends, but he never asked for anything in return. soobin had an exact hierarchy of importance; himself was at the very end._

for days he lived in constant paranoia, always feeling a pair of eyes staring at him. without any further reason, he spun his head to different sides, trying to find the source of the disembodied voice. a male voice. _i must be going crazy…_

“you’re not going crazy! just don’t freak out now,” the voice said again.

soobin desperately looked around his room once more, being completely forsaken. _i just need fresh air._ opening the window, he got startled.

a pair of round, honey eyes watched him carefully from the photograph. “wh- what? i’m not crazy, i’m going absolutely nuts!”

_that night, soobin chose to sleep on the couch instead._

he definitely wasn’t scared, but he didn’t ask for his eyes to play tricks on him. deep down, he knew he craved to have somebody to talk to. hueningkai being the sweetheart he was, he always asked whether soobin didn’t want to move in with him and his boyfriend. soobin cringed at the suggestion. living all alone became something he simply got used to. he settled for a lonesome life at age of eight. he couldn’t remember what it felt like not to be alone anymore.

of course, soobin was constantly surrounded by people who liked him and boldly called him their friend, but he couldn’t reciprocate those feelings. he was their friend, but they weren’t his. nobody truly understood him, because he didn’t let them. they had failed even before he gave them an opportunity to succeed.

“hyuka, why did you give me that photo?” soobin asked. the cup of tea he was holding warmed his frozen palms.

“oh? did you forget? it was your birthday,” hueningkai frowned. soon a pair of boys joined them. soobin indeed took a long time to adjust to the younger boy’s boyfriend – yeonjun. yeonjun was friendly, but he always forced soobin to talk more. the pink haired male was suspiciously similar to his little angel, thus soobin got used to his presence after a while. however, no matter how hard he tried, soobin couldn’t recognise the other boy. _is this the beomgyu guy?_

beomgyu used to be hueningkai’s best friend and this boy fit the description. the sparkling eyes, honey skin, and a voice so smooth he could listen to him all day. but… hueningkai hadn’t mentioned beomgyu for more than three years now. so why the sudden appearance?

“hi! you two don’t know each other, yet. soobin, this is taehyun. taehyun, soobin,” hueningkai introduced them, the two awkwardly shook hands. soobin wouldn’t call himself the biggest fan of skinship.

“nice to meet you.”

“likewise,” the younger smiled back. perhaps the only one understanding the situation as awkward was soobin.

“taehyun needed a place to stay, so he lives with us now,” yeonjun explained, pulling his significant other into a tight hug.

_soobin’s lack of response clearly confirmed his density._

in fact, soobin got sick and tired of casual dating when he was sixteen. five years later, he found himself having no time for romance. he got into a relationship with his job he was incredibly fond of. working in his beloved bakery that unsurprisingly filled him with eternal warmth was enough. interacting with his two (now three) real friends was enough. everything on top of it would be merely bothersome.

with that mindset, he couldn’t explain why he stared back at the picture he received a month before. the boy in the picture simply kept blinking slowly, affirming soobin he wasn’t dreaming. _more like living a nightmare._

“hey! don’t call me a nightmare!” the boy exclaimed. an offended pout formed on his face, turning away with crossed arms over his chest.

“sorry, i just-” soobin stuttered, “did i finally go crazy?”

the boy giggled, “no, silly. i will explain everything, just sit down.”

soobin did. he probably felt too frightened to disobey a… a talking picture?!

“see, has a picture ever spoken to you?” the boy started. soobin shook his head slightly, staring in disbelief. he rubbed his eyes for a few times, making sure he indeed was awake. “okay, so i’m your first.”

soobin tilted his head to the side, still not understanding.

"let me introduce myself first. hi, i’m beomgyu!” the picture’s laughter reminded soobin of bells. the sound bounced around the room, finding its way to soobin’s ears.

“but, why are you talking? who are you? are you hueningkai’s friend? did you two fight? why did he give you to me?” soobin spoke fast, his words melting into incoherent nonsense. it was impossible to speak calmly as his body was bubbling with growing anxiety. it never was a good sign when objects started talking.

“woah, hold on,” beomgyu giggled again. “it’s rude to not say your name back.”

“soobin,” he mumbled, “my name is soobin.”

afterwards, beomgyu kept his word and started explaining, carefully watching soobin’s expressions as he revealed facts one by one.

“i would start with the most important one; i’m dead.”

“you’re what?!” soobin interrupted. the level of his anxiety increased constantly. he felt his fingers tremble and droplets of cold sweat formed on his forehead. certain memories found their way back to soobin’s mind.

beomgyu impatiently sighed, waiting for soobin to stop acting up. the boy in the picture was clearly unbothered by the whole situation.

“as i said, i have died, soobin. yet, i don’t know why or how, but pictures live after the person dies. you simply wake up in a photo of you that is the most precious to you.”

soobin’s head spun and he felt nauseous. _why hasn’t any spoken to me yet?_

“i actually asked the same thing. photos in our living room said it’s painful.”

soobin still couldn’t understand, “is this why hueningkai gave you to me?”

“you know hyuka?” beomgyu raised his eyebrows. “he just wanted to cheer you up with his favourite picture.”

“and have you…”

“spoken to him? no way,” beomgyu smiled. as if it was a normal thing.

beomgyu kept on explaining. an enormous amount of emotions rushed to soobin. his mouth ran dry yet he remained sitting on his bed, his body glued to the white sheets. although it had been around thirteen years, he never allowed any of the past events to feel real. after beomgyu’s ‘arrival’, soobin’s head was about to explode with all the thoughts and feelings he had suppressed.

thus an unusual bond between soobin and beomgyu formed. beomgyu’s constant endeavours to talk to soobin were met with different reactions each time. sometimes soobin responded normally, as if he held a conversation with a dear friend; on other days he just stared blankly.

“this leads to nowhere,” beomgyu sighed and threw his arms around in exaggeration. soobin got back from work and headed to his bedroom. well, _their_ bedroom.

“what do you mean?” soobin questioned.

“you either talk to me or i’ll be the one to stop,” beomgyu insisted.

soobin clearly taken aback by his straightforwardness, he nodded.

“do you know why i started talking to you?” soobin shook his head in response. “you cry yourself to sleep every night.”

“so what? am i disturbing you in your afterlife?” soobin frowned. beomgyu’s face showed a hint of hurt.

“i wanted to help you,” beomgyu admitted. soobin regretted his prior behaviour. it simply became a habit of his - unconsciously pushing everyone away instead of letting them get closer. people’s attempts to ‘help’ soobin always activated his fight-or-flight response.

“i didn’t want to be rude. it means a lot to me, but i can’t talk about my problems.”

“let me tell you about mine, until you feel comfortable with telling yours. you don’t have to do anything, just listen.”

so soobin did; he sat for hours listening to beomgyu’s voice recollecting all his memories just for soobin. he spoke so passionately about his life. soobin’s head couldn’t wrap about the fact beomgyu’s life had already ended. beomgyu never told him about how it happened, though. soobin figured it was too dolorous to talk about what he had lost.

their little story telling sessions reminded soobin of his grandparents. his heart stinged with nostalgia, but it was bearable. the kind of pain that almost tickled. that kind of pain he would endure any time, only to feel connected with _her._

_one of beomgyu’s stories was about how beomgyu and his brother sneaked out of their house. they wanted to see the stars, but their mother asked them not to. snowflakes fell quietly, their little feet left footprints in the fresh snow. neither of them wore a padded jacket, nor a scarf. their mother was furious when she found out. still, both of them knew it was worth it. the six years old beomgyu wished stars could talk so he could tell them about his adventures with his brother. little did beomgyu know that the stars heard him, even though they never responded. he loved them all equally. although it cost him a frozen nose and disappointed expressions of his parents, he would do it again._

_only if his sky was decorated with those flickering lights._

soobin felt like he had known beomgyu since forever. the boy clearly loved to talk and soobin was used to his friendships being like that. however, he grew to love listening to beomgyu’s deep voice. it left him wondering how he had survived all alone for such a long time. ever since he started working at the bakery, his days became iterating. he worked, went to see hueningkai, and then he got home. perhaps it was time to change something.

after all, beomgyu’s sole presence was special.

therefore, he made an exception. for once, he decided to speak.

“my parents kicked me out when i was eighteen,” soobin confessed out of the blue. for the first time his eyes didn't show any trace of tears as he spoke. perhaps he felt too ashamed to cry about it anymore. _it’s time to move on._

or maybe that’s what beomgyu taught him; even when the boy talked about unfortunate events of his life, he always added what good it brought. _nothing’s worse than dying._

“actually, there are many things worse than dying, soobin,” beomgyu’s smile dripped with bittersweetness, as if he wanted to explain himself further. however, he let soobin talk.

“they never liked me. my mom adopted me when i was two. after she died, dad got married again. i was just eight. dad or step-mom never felt like parents to me,” soobin sat up, facing beomgyu. his neck started to hurt from looking up in a couple of minutes. thus after a few clumsy attempts, beomgyu was seated on a chair right next to the bed, staring at soobin. “you know, kids at school are never nice. but i simply felt unwanted there. and teachers? they just told me it will be okay.” soobin didn’t receive any response.

soobin could finally talk. there wasn't anyone who would tell him to stop pitying himself, that there were people who had it worse, or that he was attention-seeking. with each word he said, he felt lighter. the dark memories and malicious anger he buried deep down in his soul weighed him down for such a long time. he finally let go of the anchor that kept him stuck to the rock bottom. beomgyu allowed him to breathe the fresh air above the surface.

“i just miss her. she was the only one who cared.” soobin sighed, “dad even ripped my college application. he said i’m not smart enough. the next day they packed my things and told me to never come back.”

beomgyu listened closely. if he was alive, he would be shaking with anger. he would be enraged. soobin’s ‘parents’ had such a precious treasure to care for yet decided to kick him out. _what would his parents do to bring him back…_

“but i won’t cry about it anymore, i promise. you had it worse anyway,” soobin sounded too similar to those people he despised. he scrunched his face, the words felt foregin on his tongue.

beomgyu suddenly stood up from the green grass. the sun in his photograph shined endlessly, the trees swaying in the wind. “just because others hurt in a different way, it doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to be hurt, soobin. don’t feel guilty for feeling,” beomgyu scolded him gently with a sole intention to comfort him.

“i know and i always tell myself that, but...” a pause, “it’s easier like this.”

“just because it’s easier, it doesn’t mean it’s right,” beomgyu’s voice sounded strangely cold.

a suffocating silence filled the room. soobin could only hear his heartbeat steading with every exhale. the room was dimly lit; the only source of light being beomgyu’s picture.

“tell me about your mom.”

soobin smiled as the tears finally spilled on his pale face. soobin lost his mother for the first time when she died, but he also kept losing her with every detail he forgot. what did her laugh sound like? what was her favourite colour? did she collect butterflies when she was young? were her eyes warm like a sunrise or cold like an ocean? what was her favorite song? was she smiling when she sang along? a bystander would never care about mere details like that. but soobin held onto them as if his life depended on it. since he didn’t own any of her photos, he had nothing to remind him of her. all he had was memories.

however each of his memories became a blurry blot. he couldn't remember anything about his mother anymore. _if everybody forgot about her, wouldn't it be like she never existed?_

_people say forgetting is painless, but realising that you forgot something can smash your heart into tiny pieces._

“why are you suddenly asking about beomgyu?” hueningkai jittered in a desperate attempt to avoid soobin's innocent question. it was late january evening, the two boys sipped hot chocolate in hueninkai’s, yeonjun’s, and newly taehyun’s apartment. the three roommates had already given up on dropping hints - soobin remained clueless. the youngest insisted that it must be soobin who would do the first step.

soobin felt uneasy as he replied, “oh, uh, you just haven’t mentioned him in ages. how is he doing?"

“i have no idea. he had moved away a few years ago and we didn’t stay in touch,” hueningkai lied. soobin raised his eyebrow, not asking anymore.

“that’s sad. growing up sucks, doesn’t it?”

“yea, i guess,” hueningkai felt suspicious of soobin’s abrupt change in behaviour. “but why would you say that?”

“you know, i was thinking about everything and i was being unfair to you,” soobin avoided hueningkai’s piercing gaze. “i just… i don’t want to push you away anymore.”

“why so suddenly?”

“i’m just afraid you might disappear one day,” the tears found their way into soobin’s eyes. growing up scared him - being left alone again, drifting away from his loved ones, forgetting what the spring felt like…

hueningkai’s face lit up as he enveloped soobin in a warm embrace. the older boy stayed the night. they kept sharing little stories and worries, finally feeling their bond strengthening.

perhaps accepting help wasn’t an exclusivity soobin couldn’t afford.

soobin felt the pieces of his broken heart slowly fall into their place again. maybe the painful memories were hollow and letting go of them filled the void. that's why his heart had felt heavy despite being empty. a strange source of warmth started pulsating in his chest again.

that night he even exchanged numbers with taehyun, suddenly feeling too reckless. _it’s not a big deal anyway._

_since he had to grow up too quickly, he missed the childish fun. soobin joined hueningkai whenever he went shopping for plushies. he even started dancing with yeonjun after his shift at the bakery. ~~soobin learned how to live again…~~_

_beomgyu taught soobin how to live again._

“binnie, you’re home!” beomgyu always welcomed soobin. the two boys got along well; their exactly opposite personalities complimented each other.

soobin stopped crying and replaced tears with giggles and stolen glances. him and beomgyu would stay up until late hours sacrificing their sleep gladly.

soobin’s heart fluttered each time beomgyu laughed. whenever beomgyu was too immersed in whatever topic they talked about, soobin took out his phone without a sound, only to record beomgyu. solely to make sure he wasn’t dreaming. beomgyu was too splendid to be real.

soobin almost felt like his muscles tickled when they locked eyes. it left a strange sensation and soobin couldn't distinguish that feeling. he preferred that over the crippling anxiety he used to feel. beomgyu never made him anxious. in fact, even thinking about beomgyu calmed soobin down. the images of beomgyu's eyes and lips were engraved on soobin's brain. the boy's laugher alway echoed in soobin's ears.

january had passed rather quickly - the two boys ‘celebrated’ the valentine’s day already. well, they kept complaining about how commercial the holiday was, how it lacked real romance. they locked their eyes for a while too long, enough to make them nervous. both of them shied away. soobin’s cheeks burned, the heat even reached his ears. however beomgyu remained pale, only his eyes betrayed him. his gaze lingered somewhere lower on soobin's face. the corners of beomyu’s mouth unconsciously lifted each time soobin smiled. beomgyu became a mirror; he mirrored soobin's feelings, expression, sometimes even his words.

“have you ever loved anyone, soobin?” beomgyu suddenly questioned. the muffins that soobin baked filled his flat with the sweet scent of chocolate and strawberries. they were contemplating on how to give them to beomgyu a few moments prior. soobin got taken aback by beomgyu’s unexpected question.

“only my mom, i think…”

“no! that’s not what i meant,” beomgyu frowned.

“well, in that case. no,” soobin bit his muffin, humming with satisfaction. “even if i liked someone, i lost all the feelings as soon as they confessed they liked me back.”

beomgyu opened his mouth, ready to say something, but he closed it quickly. he looked away, staying silent.

soobin watched him closely. the picture of the boy sat on top of his kitchen counter. soobin brought him everywhere he went around his place. it felt strange without beomgyu once he got used to him. “what about you?”

beomgyu snapped out of his thoughts, “only once.”

“how did it feel?”

“it makes me feel alive.”

everything became more and less real after beomgyu’s words. soobin felt blood rushing to his ears. he wondered whom beomgyu loved. the person must’ve been the luckiest person; to have beomgyu love them even in the afterlife. soobin imagined how would it be if beomgyu was still alive. would they get married and adopt a dog? would his partner get along well with toto? or would they break up after their first argument? _no, beomgyu isn’t like that._

“i’m not like what?” the said boy questioned.

“what? are you reading my mind? is that another of ghosts’ superpowers?” soobin gulped. _so humiliating._

“no, genius. you just think out loud,” beomgyu chuckled as soobin’s face expressed several emotions at the same time; starting with embarrassment, through turmoil, ending with relief. “but you do look good with red cheeks, just so you know.”

soobin’s face reddened even more. beomgyu’s talent consisted of making him flustered at every opportunity he got. soobin murmured something about how stupid beomgyu was and moved to _their_ bedroom.

he would never admit it, but he liked when beomgyu teased him. he enjoyed the extra attention beomgyu gave him. however soobin felt guilty. beomgyu had nobody else to talk to. _it's_ _time to stop._

“i’m bored,” beomgyu sighed at around one in the morning. soobin lazily opened his eyes to check the time. _three more hours until i have to wake up._

“and i’m trying to sleep.” a person would think beomgyu was more considerate... people perhaps shouldn’t assume things about beomgyu.

“so? you’ll sleep when you’re dead.”

“you’re dead and awake, so it doesn't prove your point, sweetie,” soobin grunted, turning his back to his new roommate.

“ohh, so we’re starting with pet names? isn’t it too soon? i haven’t introduced you to my mother yet-“ beomgyu teased.

“i didn’t- i, i’m sorry,” soobin stuttered. beomgyu once again left him completely bewildered.

soobin's mind raced at the thought of making beomgyu uncomfortable. it would be awkward if beomgyu got offended. soobin excelled at comforting people, but for some reason he couldn't figure beomgyu out.

soobin desperately tried to understand beomgyu. it also opened his eyes.

_perhaps i'm not the best friend ever._

beomgyu and soobin were way more similar than any of them would admit. soobin, too, left people in the unknown without any explanation. his heart thumped at the thought. _how many people did i make suffer?_

“i’m joking, dear god. stop taking everything so seriously, honey,” beomgyu winked and laid on the grass.

“great, now i can’t sleep,” soobin yawned. _two thirty-seven._

“too bad, i’m not giving you my attention,” beomgyu stuck out his tongue. he might had enjoyed teasing soobin too much.

“let’s just talk,” soobin offered.

“what does my binnie want to talk about?”

 _you,_ soobin thought, _always you._ beomgyu did share plenty of his memories with soobin. neither of them had addressed the elephant in the room yet. soobin contemplated many times when would be the best time to ask - always concluding that thing such as ‘best time’ didn’t exist. instead, he tried to put himself into beomgyu’s shoes.

“so technically-“ soobin started.

“if it’s another of your bullshit, i’m not answering!”

“no, shut up. you said you will reincarnate into your most precious picture, right?” soobin earned a nod in response. thus he continued, “so let’s say i take a picture with you now and if it’s precious enough to me, we’ll be together when i die?”

beomgyu stood up. his face painted in complete perplexion. his mouth shaped into an ‘o’ before he spoke, “i have no idea, maybe?”

soobin hummed. _it would be nice; we could finally meet._ they wouldn’t have to only steal glances. their bodies wouldn’t be begging to break the glass border that trapped beomgyu. it would be just the two of them.

“…are you listening? i said you’re not allowed to die in the upcoming eighty years... at least! you have to live your life.”

“but why? i want to be close to you, beomgyu. even if it meant i had to-“ soobin couldn’t finish his sentence. _it wouldn't be that bad, would it?_

“don’t dare to say what you want to say. soobin, i’m here. i’m not going anywhere,” beomgyu smiled. his small hand pressed against the glass of his frame. “do you know why i started talking to you?”

soobin blinked rapidly in mere attempts to suppress his tears, “you already told me. my crying was disturbing your peaceful afterlife.”

beomgyu laughed, “no, silly. in fact, it hurt.” the two boys locked their eyes before he continued, “it hurt more than dying, binnie.”

“beomgyu?”

“huh?”

a deep inhale, “how did you die?”

beomgyu vividly remembered that day. it was warm august afternoon; the sun peeked from behind the little clouds that looked like sheep. him and hueningkai laid on grass, reminiscing their childhood memories. it was merely a few days before beomgyu’s first official race competition. he was only seventeen, full of life and passion. after hueningkai took the picture, he said, “just don’t forget about me when you get rich and famous.” beomgyu laughed, running his hand through his hair, trying to get rid of all the flowers hueningkai had put there. “what if it will be you who forget about me?”

_beomgyu couldn’t be more mistaken. hueningkai rarely cried yet the devastating news broke him down. tears were the only relief he found. how else was sixteen years old hueningkai supposed to deal with such a loss?_

_beomgyu indeed won the race. he reached the top of his own little world. everything went well for him; his grades were always the best among his classmates, he had friends who truly cared for him, his family was more than supportive of his passion. what could go wrong when every moment passing filled him with eternal happiness? perhaps the sun was jealous of how brightly beomgyu shined. maybe the stars made rumours about beomgyu to hide their insecurities. that’s what beomgyu was - nothing less than an embodiment of warmth and light._

_for his preparations for the next race, he went to his favourite track in the forest behind their house. he started driving there with his father even before he got his driving licence. he always played abba songs while driving to feel nostalgic. beomgyu loved the sting in his heart and the bittersweet taste of things changing. soon he had to start thinking about what college to apply to, or at least what job to find after he graduated. his problems were so normal, so typical, so mundane. his family wished they could live through his little tantrums because he wouldn’t be able to choose a college, or how he would slam the door if his surroundings got too overwhelming. any scenario would be more bearable than the real one._

_as it happened during scorching summer days, a sudden thunderstorm came. the previously white cotton candy-like clouds turned into massive black inferno. the droplets of rain violently poured on beomgyu’s crimson vehicle. he headed back home carefully. a lightning preceded a rather unfortunately pointed thunder, leaving beomgyu with no time to react._

_after feeling sharp pain ran through his body, he felt relieved as he looked around. the tremendous thunderstorm was only a dream. he recognised the grass he laid on, even the forest and sheep-shaped clouds looked familiar. his smile froze when he looked in front of him. he would sacrifice every single thing he had owned only to erase the tears from his family’s faces. he found the nightmare he woke up to more frightening than any thunderstorm._

beomgyu’s eyes filled with tears, threatening to spill over the brim any second. soobin sat there speechless. he couldn’t even hug beomgyu. _so close yet still out of touch._

“i’m sorry, beomu, i shouldn’t have asked,” soobin waddled closer, pressing his finger against the glass pane.

“it was my decision to tell you, binnie,” beomgyu smiled faintly, the corners of his mouth barely lifted. “i’m glad you asked. i haven’t told that to anyone.”

“thank you for trusting me,” soobin’s heart filled with guilt despite beomgyu’s words. _three forty-five._ “do you want me to stay at home? i can call my colleague to-“

_“no, you have a life to live, binnie.”_

_how ironic. soobin couldn't simply live on when it was beomgyu who taught him how to live again._

soobin’s day at work couldn’t be described better but with the word ‘weird’. he found himself checking the time every few minutes, impatiently waiting for his shift to end. he had to hurry back home to see beomgyu. he found it entertaining how much he depended on that picture.

nothing could stop soobin's anxiety from convincing him that beomgyu wouldn't wait for him in their bedroom if he came late.

in fact, soobin didn't even remember how his mother died. perhaps that helped him doubt whether it truly happened. soobin feared he could lose beomgyu in the same way - out of nowhere, without any warning.

another of the series of strange events that day was taehyun’s arrival. the boy’s big eyes looked curiously around the bakery. as he breathed in the scent of freshly baked bread, a smile decorated his face. soobin panicked, it was the first time for the two of them to be actually all by themselves. without hueningkai or yeonjun to accompany them... soobin never had any problems with talking to people, but taehyun made him nervous for some reason. soobin's palms got sweaty whenever taehyun would stare at him with his round eyes.

it definitely _wasn't_ because taehyun was more than pretty. soobin found himself wanting to trace taehyun's prominent features with his fingers. he simply wondered how would it feel… to feel.

' _you have beomgyu, remember?'_ he reminded himself. right, soobin had beomgyu.

“hi, what can i get for you?” soobin asked politely.

“hey, just take a break and talk to me?” taehyun's bold words contrasted lovely with his cheeks burning with a pretty shade of pink.

so the two boys indeed spoke for a while too long. they fell into a surprisingly comfortable conversation. soobin had feared it would be embarrassing since he didn’t fancy finding new friends despite his reputation. the new friends always found soobin, in fact. perhaps he should had thanked beomgyu. the talking picture opened his eyes and in a short period of time taught him that life had so much to offer. although beomgyu had to live in the past, he willingly showed soobin the present and would explore the future with him.

“...and i’ve been thinking,” taehyun cleared his throat, “in case it gets lonely at your apartment, i’m here for you.” then he smiled, thanked, and left. soobin thought the boy looked cute in his little blue beanie, black coat size or two too big on his petite body and a yellow flannel.

however soobin wouldn’t describe himself as lonely anymore. he had beomgyu, he allowed hueningkai to peek behind the walls he had been building since he was eight, he even eventually started to feel more and more comfortable around both yeonjun and taehyun.

soobin nodded and waved to him, although the boy already disappeared from his sight. taehyun got lost in a crowd of nameless faces heading who knew where. _but taehyun wasn’t just a nameless face_. perhaps they could be friends one day... only if soobin’s eyes didn’t gravitate towards one specific person who always waited for him in his bedroom. _their_ bedroom.

“honey, i’m home!” soobin exclaimed. his calendar announced the arrival of march. february passed by with soobin spending his time with beomgyu.

the realisation of his feelings for beomgyu came shortly after the valentine’s day. soobin knew he wanted nothing but to keep beomgyu happy. _but how do you keep a dead person happy?_

“welcome home, baby,” beomgyu giggled. he looked pretty with a playful grin on his face. his little smile had brought an incredible amount of light into soobin’s apartment and life. soobin had always thought black was the prettiest colour because it couldn’t get any gloomier. that’s how he had survived throughout his darkest moments. he used to live off the statement _'it can't get worse'_. he used to decline every opportunity to taste the life in fear that happiness was merely temporary. his mind always blamed him for being selfish enough not to settle for anything but eternal happiness. _i deserve to be happy_ , he assured himself yet he never allowed his heart to experience joy.

never, until beomgyu walked into his life.

soobin’s phone buzzed, taehyun texted him. “ohh, you’ve got an admirer?” beomgyu smirked weakly. the boy sucked at hiding his disappointment.

“taehyun? no!” soobin scratched his nape, unsure of his own words, “...he’s just being nice.”

“dude, you always talk about how he looks at you. he’s totally into you.”

“it doesn’t matter who likes me when i like someone else,” soobin whispered under his breath, hoping that beomgyu couldn’t hear him.

“so who do you like?”

soobin paused before he replied. well, he had contemplated confessing to beomgyu many times already. for example, in the bakery when there weren’t any customers and he was left alone with his thoughts. he had wondered how it would be if he told beomgyu. soobin always came to the crushing conclusion that nothing would change. beomgyu would remain dead, the glass border splitting them apart. he found his mind racing at the thought of never being able to be close to beomgyu. his heart broke knowing they could never go on dates and do whatever cliche things couples did. he cried realising that he could never feel beomgyu’s warm breath against his skin as the two of them would lay on the green grass, counting sheep shaped clouds. soobin felt so powerless. he didn't want to acknowledge the facts. the destiny wasn’t on their side, but it was kind enough and allowed them to meet. the polar opposites found comfort in each other’s presence.

their days flowed differently - soobin worked from five until three, he came back home, and talked to beomgyu until one of them fell asleep listening to other’s soft voice. his favourite moments consisted of his eyes being tight shut and beomgyu singing to him softly. soobin once told beomgyu his mother used to sing him to sleep. sometimes he wondered whether he didn’t imagine beomgyu after all. if beomgyu wasn’t simply a result of his solitude. beomgyu’s days were rather monotonous without soobin. he fell asleep as soon as soobin left. his cold heart had filled with a feeling of responsibility over soobin’s wellbeing; beomgyu stayed up all night watching the boy sleep. he always laughed at himself, as if he could protect soobin if anything happened. he never told soobin how right the other pictures were - _it did hurt._

_from all the possible emotions in this world, beomgyu believed there was only one that his heart couldn’t bear - powerlessness. being powerless kept breaking him down ever since he died. he couldn’t hold his mother’s hand and be there with her. he couldn’t drive with his father. he couldn’t sneak out with his brother to see the stars._

_he couldn’t do anything. beomgyu became a ghost, a mere memory, a reminder of how unpredictable life was._

_after he died and he found himself trapped in the world where time was frozen and nothing should had ached, he spent hours or perhaps days watching his family through the pane. it barely felt real. it reminded him of that time hueningkai insisted on watching some k-drama. he cringed at the poor acting skills of actors and actresses that cried over mundane problems. back then, he couldn’t reach out to the actors and tell them to stop crying._

_he couldn’t tell his mother it would be okay._

_even if he could, simply because it might get better at some point, it didn’t mean it would hurt less._

_the first day, he decided, was the worst day of his life. well, afterlife. he was forced to sit on one spot and stare at his family. if any trace of life was left in his body, the sight had sucked it all out. his beloved mother mourned over the loss of her youngest son for what felt like eternity. her baby was gone forever. her most precious treasure. his father tried his best not to shed tears whenever he passed beomgyu’s room that would remain inhabited forever. his brother talked to their pet parrot for hours, desperately trying to explain why beomgyu wouldn’t come back home. maybe he would never admit it, but it was how he coped with it. his way of dealing with the loss of his best friend, his partner in crime, his little brother that he would had protected with his life. just like that, he was gone forever._

_before, beomgyu found concept of forever stupid. nothing could last forever. after he died, he knew how wrong he was. he would stay in the hearts of his family members forever. beomgyu would forever regret everything he had taken for granted... forever and probably even after that. if anything, he wished he could tell his mother how much he loved her._

_he wished he didn't leave without saying goodbye._

_the three of them didn’t talk much. the deafening silence reminded them of beomgyu’s absence; his cheerful voice used to fill in the quiet space. when his father was repairing the car he used to drive twenty years ago, beomgyu would sit next to him telling him about all the new gadgets he could add. when his mother cooked dinner, beomgyu would help her around, making silly jokes simply to hear her laugh. when his brother worked on his assignments for his college, beomgyu would search for all the additional information he lacked, always helping him reach a better score. the crippling cold replaced the previously bright and warm atmosphere yet august was nowhere near end._

_it hurt to be their source of pain. talking to them would hurt more, though. the distance between them would get bigger each day. they had to live on without beomgyu. and beomgyu wanted them to remember him like that - a sunny boy with laugher sounding like the ring of millions little bells and with eyes shinier than thousands of galaxies._

_‘so who do you like?’_ echoed in his head once more.

regardless of his usual thoughts, soobin concluded, “you, beomgyu. i like you.”

“oh… binnie-“

“i didn’t say it for you to reciprocate my feelings. i just wanted you to know,” soobin admitted. he had learnt not to expect anything. expectations lead to mere disappointment.

“but what if i feel the same?”

“what if you what?!”

“remember when i said it made me feel alive? it’s you, binnie. you make me feel alive,” beomgyu’s face didn’t show any trace of joking. he looked sincere, his eyes round and a little watery.

soobin remained speechless. he immediately regretted confessing. the devastating reality hit him once again; beomgyu liked him back, but it didn’t bring them closer. _merely centimetres apart, but miles away._ he couldn’t pull beomgyu into an embrace to finally communicate without words.

therefore, they made a promise.

“i want our forever, beomgyu.”

“what do you mean?”

“i want to meet you in your world. not now, since you prohibited that,” soobin laughed through tears, “but when the time comes, i want you to be my most precious memory.”

beomgyu nodded, lifted his pinky, and whispered, _“i promise we’ll have our eternity.”_

_remember the way you made me feel_

_such young love but_

_something in me knew that it was real_

_frozen in my head_

soobin had changed a lot. at first, beomgyu did the talking. gradually soobin became more comfortable with sharing his thoughts freely. soobin learnt beomgyu would never judge him. it allowed soobin to grow.

_“you know,” soobin said, his eyes never left the computer screen as he played some game, “it would be great if you could, you know, respawn.”_

_“what do you mean?” if beomgyu still breathed, he would probably hyperventilate at that._

_“i would love to have you here alive,” soobin admitted._

_“you would?”_

_“i want that more than anything.”_

“why does your boyfriend look so sad today?” soobin asked yeonjun. barely a half of march passed. the earth slowly warmed up, flowers started blooming, and the sun tickled his skin with it’s warm rays. everything would be perfect, only if it didn’t rain on that day.

“remember beomgyu? the boy that moved away?” _the boy that died,_ soobin corrected him mentally, “it’s his b-day.”

“but hyuka said they didn’t keep in touch, didn’t he?” soobin raised his eyebrow. he still hadn’t found out why hueningkai lied about beomgyu.

“maybe that’s why he’s sad? he used to talk about him a lot and it seemed like they were good friends,” yeonjun hummed, “maybe he regrets not talking to him.”

hueningkai faced the window and watched the rain pour. soobin knew he should head back home since beomgyu never fancied the rain. he lived in a sunny world, after all.

yet he decided to approach his best friend instead, “you okay?”

“yes!” hueningkai’s response was too quick to be genuine. he sighed and shook his head no. “i’m just sorry i lied.”

here it is. “lied about what?”

“beomgyu died, soobin. i never wanted to tell you because of your mo-“

“my mom?” soobin hugged hueningkai tightly, “don’t ever keep something like that from me. i want to be there for you the way you are for me.”

hueningkai’s face got drenched with tears quickly. perhaps he didn’t want the rain to feel lonely crying on its own. “i didn’t want to bother you. i’m just sorry-“

“i’m sorry i was so caught up in my own problems that i wasn’t there for you when you needed me,” soobin sniffled. hueningkai’s face decorated with a smile rewarded soobin. as if the younger was proud of him as he spectated him break out of his shell.

"you know, beomgyu died in august," hueningkai started his monologue. "he was like a real brother to me. we were neighbours and that's how we met, actually." a fond smile formed on hueningkai's face, "we've known each other since kindergarten. it felt like a part of me died when he left."

yeonjun was gone already, allowing the two boys to have their own moment of vulnerability. soobin contemplated whether he should confess about beomgyu.

other words left his mouth instead, "why did you give me a picture of him?"

hueningkai sniffed, "you never really spoke to me. i wanted you to know you didn't have to be alone." then he giggled, "plus your room was an ugly mess."

"i'm serious," soobin insisted.

"after his brother graduated, their parents moved back to daegu. they asked me to keep that picture so i don't forget about him," hueningkai sighed, "but i couldn't look at it anymore. it just hurts."

soobin let out a quiet _'i know'._ apart from the people who used the phrase to create an illusion of understatement, soobin truly knew what hueningkai felt. although he didn't have any photograph of his mother, he knew it would only remind him of the day she left. and soobin wanted to remember the blissful memories.

"binnie, slow down!" his mother laughed. she tried to teach him how to ride a bicycle. six years old soobin was a little clumsy at first.

_their loud voices echoed on the street. each time soobin managed to ride a bit, she praised him endlessly. although, even when soobin fell down, it was okay, because she was there to soothe his pain and dry his tears._

_who will be there if he falls now?_

“you don't have an umbrella?” beomgyu questioned when he noticed soobin obviously soaked with water. he earned a sarcastic _‘i do, but getting wet like this is funnier’_ from soobin who headed to the bathroom.

when soobin got back to _their_ bedroom, beomgyu looked at him expectantly. he loved listening to soobin’s voice. soobin actually reminded him of his mother. she, too, was soft spoken and her laughter sounded like a happy childhood memory. her eyes shone like a sunrise over a beach; the little rays of sunlight hitting his face forced him to burst into giggles.

“how was your day?” beomgyu started, soobin clearly busy with drying his hair. the black roots were visible but it indeed suited him. beomgyu would always tell soobin he looked like he escaped from some anime with his blue hair and pretty face.

“well, i found out many interesting things today. for example, happy birthday,” soobin giggled at beomgyu’s perplexed expression.

“wait, how do you know?”

“i’m friends with hueningkai, remember?“

beomgyu couldn’t do anything but sob. he had missed his best friend so much. he even ‘successfully’ forgot about him. beomgyu desperately tried to get hueningkai’s laughter out of his head. soobin unconsciously opened a wound that wouldn’t heal even until their forever. beomgyu ignored every word that left soobin’s mouth afterwards. he only had to know one thing, “does he still remember me?”

“of course he does! he even cried today,” soobin admitted.

“oh, shit. i made him cry again.”

“you’re not responsible for his feelings, beomu. you didn’t die on purpose.”

then, a silence filled the room. beomgyu got lost in his own thoughts and soobin tried to pick his next words as carefully as possible. he feared that every wrong word could split them. and he selfishly feared losing beomgyu.

when it came to people, soobin had several rules. first, no lying. soobin believed that lies were unnecessary and he could bear the truth regardless of how painful it was. however he always lied to himself. second, no smoking or drinking. soobin had taken health very seriously. although his adoptive father thought he wasn't educated enough, soobin knew how fragile health was. however he never truly cared about his own wellbeing. third, whatever happened, they should never keep anything from soobin. soobin offered as much help as he rejected. however he never sought help. he couldn't even answer such a simple question as 'how are you?'.

_how arrogant he was to have some stupid rules when he broke all of them?_

_maybe that's why he never let others understand him. he didn't pass his own 'vibe check'. and why would he let his dear ones talk to such a person?_

“i told him to never forget about me,” beomgyu said. the time on soobin’s clock glared at him with its red figures. _two thirty_.

soobin shifted on his bed. “you’re unforgettable,” he muttered.

“so is he, but i tried to forget about him,” beomgyu whined. his voice dripped with guilt.

“well, but you haven’t forgotten, have you?” soobin questioned. “if you forgot you wouldn’t have any happy memories.” soobin’s eyes shot open, automatically finding beomgyu in the dark night. “he told me about all the times you were together. would you want to lose that?”

beomgyu shook his head. when he didn't give soobin any verbal response, he felt his world shake a bit. then he looked up and saw soobin’s face from a whole new proximity. he had never seen him up from that close. soobin covered the picture with his blanket.

the little details of soobin made beomgyu fall - how he ran his fingers through his hair, but never actually went to get a haircut. beomgyu liked him with longer hair better anyway. how soobin always covered his face whenever he smiled. even the little gestures like covering his picture, knowing too well beomgyu couldn't feel the warmth.

_it was soobin's thoughtfulness and the pure demand to understand patterns and signs about him that made beomgyu feel alive._

“you know,” beomgyu trembled, “they told me you die for second time either when people forget about you, or when you decide it’s too painful to watch the world of living people.”

“where do you go after you die again?”

“they said it’s a scary place. you're surrounded by darkness, forever trapped with your thoughts," beomgyu shivered. “there’s no coming back from that place.” it already felt cold, bringing him goosebumps.

“i- i can promise you i will _never_ forget about you,” he stuttered hurriedly. soobin desperately needed beomgyu to know that he would forever have his place in soobin’s heart. the heart that rarely forgot any feeling a person left on him. “but you won’t leave, right?

“as long as somebody remembers me, i’ll be here,” beomgyu replied, feeling bittersweet.

“no, that’s not what i asked. you have to promise me you won’t decide to leave,” soobin’s voice trembled as if beomgyu had already left.

“i promise.”

_but beomgyu should had never made a promise he knew he couldn’t keep._

every day soobin had spent with beomgyu, he found himself falling deeper. perhaps he didn’t exactly fall in love with beomgyu; he bravely walked into the dark forest he saw in the background. soobin was unaware of what it hid yet eager to find out about all it’s secrets. soobin tended to look deeper into people’s souls, never necessarily caring about their facade. beomgyu soon became the only thought that occupied his mind. _what is he doing right now? doesn’t he ever get bored? does he have any friends there? doesn't he miss the stars?_

his train of thoughts got interrupted by the little bell announcing another customer. soobin already knew him by the sound of his footsteps. taehyun’s smile brought light into his bakery, making it cosier. soobin wondered how it would be if he brought beomgyu there. would he talk to the customers? would he ask soobin about the flavour of each pastry he baked? or would he sit quietly and watch soobin from behind?

“as usual?” soobin asked before taehyun even reached the counter. the younger boy nodded slightly and sat to their table. taehyun had been visiting soobin for over a month every chance he got between his classes. soobin’s co-workers asked whether the two boys dated. they always received a laugh in response. soobin loved someone else. _his heart ached only for one certain boy._

soobin brought a chocolate muffin with strawberries to taehyun and they comfortably fell into a conversation. taehyun told him stories about his classmates, professors, and even shared every new piece of knowledge he got. whenever something good happened to him, he made sure to tell soobin first. he wanted the two of them to share happiness. and soobin? he wasn’t confident about what he wanted. his mind was constantly occupied with a boy with dark fluffy hair and sparkly eyes.

taehyun stayed until the end of soobin's shift, then he offered to walk soobin home. soobin blushed yet accepted. deep down, he knew he couldn’t invite him in.

even on their way to soobin's apartment, they talked. it surprised soobin, where all the words came from. merely a few months ago, he only listened. nobody cared about what he had to say. or he convinced himself that nobody cared in order not to feel guilty about not talking.

when he thought about it, wasn't it rude? wasn't it rude to make himself believe that nobody cared because he didn't want them to care? it definitely was hostile of him.

_"i won't stop worrying about you just because you say you're okay," hueningkai frowned. "also your 'don't worry' won't make me less worried," he continued, "i won't stop caring just because you tell me to."_

“thank you and i’m sorry, but my flat is a mess. i promise to clean up so you can come in next time,” soobin lied. taehyun nodded in understatement, waved, and left.

a hint of guilt hit soobin’s heart... _it’s nothing anyway,_ he gulped.

“welcome home!” beomgyu sang. the boy reminded soobin of a puppy endlessly excited to see it’s owner, it’s best friend.

soobin faked a smile, “hi! shall we watch a movie tonight?” friday night and soobin had rejected all of hueningkai’s plans for that day, claiming he already had something. hueningkai pouted but told him to have fun anyway.

“sure! what do we watch?”

“hmm, the _dog's purpose_ sounds nice,” _it’s my way of confessing,_ soobin wanted to add.

soobin indeed cried during both of the films. unlike usual, beomgyu remained quiet. after it ended, he simply asked, “why did you choose this one?”

soobin sniffled, still drying his tears with a tissue. “i’m not the best with words and expressing my emotions in general,” he took a deep breath, “i just wanted you to know that i’ll find you. always.”

the two boys locked their eyes. they didn’t care about the next movie starting due to auto play, nor about the lamp blinking in the corner of their room that soobin had promised to fix. soobin’s understanding of importance had several levels; not important, mildly important, important, hueningkai-like important and lastly beomgyu-like important. even if the world was ending, he wouldn’t care about anything but having the two boys next to him. _or three… maybe four now_.

“what do you mean?”

“a month ago, we promised to meet in our forever, right?” the corners of his mouth lifted a bit, forming a faint smile. “i will do anything to meet you.”

soobin confessed little by little. he never exactly used the three words that held so much meaning behind them. instead, he asked beomgyu how he slept, asked him about his life, his dreams. while others only saw, soobin noticed. he noticed when beomgyu didn't want to talk about a certain topic. he even patiently waited for beomgyu to calm down before they continued.

soobin had learnt from the mistakes of others. he would never force anyone to do anything they didn't want. he knew the familiar pressure of expectations. people expected him to enrol the college, to get a diploma, to find a significant other and establish a family. they expected the time to heal him without their help.

and beomgyu learnt with soobin. they never judged each other, rather investing their energy into understanding. they agreed that in a relationship, instead of changing their partner into something they wanted them to be, they should help each other grow.

_but how does a person grow if their time has already stopped?_

the whole year flew by quickly. beomgyu convinced soobin to get a driving licence in april. in may, soobin admitted he couldn’t be able to join college anyway, because he couldn’t afford it. in june, beomgyu supported soobin’s spontaneous idea, thus they got a golden retriever puppy. they picked the college soobin would apply for the year after in july. in august, soobin joined hueningkai at the cemetery. more than anything, soobin had to make sure he wasn’t trapped inside a dream - that the beomgyu he knew truly existed at some point. soobin took beomgyu hiking in september. well, soobin did the hike, but they watched the sun set behind the hills in the end. beomgyu never questioned soobin’s decision. in october, soobin complained about his three friends being constantly busy with college. in november, he confessed that it never stopped taehyun from coming to see him daily.

and in december? it marked one year since they met for the first time. beomgyu had been getting quieter, always lost in his thoughts. as soon as soobin came home from a walk with now grown up puppy, beomgyu put on a mask. he never wanted soobin to see him at his lowest point.

only if everything didn’t have to stop at the height of things.

soobin’s curiosity made him ask beomgyu about what he saw. what did it look like from his point of view. thus, beomgyu described the few lavender flowers randomly peeking from grass. he even remarked how unusual it was, considering it was middle of august there. he smiled fondly at the sheep shaped clouds that decorated his sky for around four years. the sunlight that tickled his skin, that would normally spread warmth all over his body. in the middle of everything, behind pane of the frame, he saw soobin. it convinced beomgyu that’s how it was supposed to be. they were meant to meet like that. he used to pity they couldn’t meet sooner. he always quickly shrugged the thought, ‘ _i should be more thankful’._

beomgyu described the forest behind him, telling soobin about that time when hueningkai got lost and all the people in their town looked for him.

then he stopped in the middle of his sentence. soobin didn’t seem to notice as he had a smile plastered over his face, typing something on his phone. then it hit beomgyu. _no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t had prevented that._

_for the first time, soobin didn't notice beomgyu. his eyes didn't gravitate towards the picture. they became more distant._

their worlds were polar opposites, after all. while everything changed constantly for soobin, beomgyu’s world remained the same. suddenly he felt sick of the sun still lighting up his scenery and the clouds that hadn’t changed their shape. the grass never grew and the lavender scent that his nose got used to frustrated him. beomgyu was always so occupied with soobin, he never got to explore his own little world. it was time to let go of something he never truly was a part of.

out of the blue, he spoke, “you have to fall in love with taehyun.”

soobin snapped out of his little trance, trying to process beomgyu’s words, “what?”

beomgyu’s brittle voice repeated once more, “you have to allow yourself to love him.”

“you can’t force me to do that!”

“i want only the best for you. that’s why you have to move on.”

soobin’s eyes burned with tears. “why does it sound like you’re leaving?” _deep inhale,_ “you promised you won’t leave!”

“please, forgive me,” beomgyu’s voice betrayed him. he had to let go of the only thing that kept him alive despite being dead.

“but why? why are you suddenly pushing me away?” soobin sobbed.

“he’s alive. he’s so lucky he can hold your hand, hug you when you need it, take care of you when you’re sick. you’ll have future with him,” beomgyu let out a devastated laugh, “what am i? nothing but a memory. i should be left in the past.”

soobin sat on his bed wordless.

after a while, soobin found his voice again. his thoughts flew at the speed of light and he couldn't seem to catch any of them. he had to think deeply about his next words.

“can’t i just love you both?”

“no,” beomgyu smiled. he had reconciled with it. his voice calm and steady as he spoke, “but you can love him the way you would love me.”

perhaps beomgyu didn't regret not saying goodbye to his family anymore. when he left, he didn't have to explain himself. he didn't have to apologise for anything. with soobin, he felt like he owed him the farewell. every of his words cut both of them deeper than a knife.

“promise me one last thing,” soobin pleaded.

“i don’t know if i should-“

"why? do our promises mean nothing to you?" soobin felt culpably for making beomgyu feel guilty. however beomgyu broke the promise… but wasn't it soobin's fault, since he made him promise?

so soobin repeated the same mistake.

"they mean everything to me. i just want taehyun to be your most precious memory," beomgyu confessed. _why can't you understand, soobin?_

“no! you have to promise me we will meet in our forever,” the tears were streaming down soobin’s face, blurring his view.

thus both of them lifted their pinkies and said a silent ‘ _i promise’._

_pictures i'm living through for now_

_trying to remember all the good times_

_our life was cutting through so loud_

_memories are playing in my dull mind_

_i hate this part, paper hearts_

_and I'll hold a piece of yours_

_don't think i would just forget about it_

_hoping that you won't forget about it_

for a few hours, the tension kept increasing. the air in their room so thick they could cut it with a knife.

“but i can’t let you go. you’re my only happiness, beomu. can’t you see it?” soobin cried out when beomgyu stood up to finally leave.

beomgyu remained silent.

“yes, i am that selfish. and i know i’m asking for too much. i just,” he breathed heavily, “i won’t survive without you.”

“oh, you will, binnie. you have to do that for me. live the life i would live. go see pretty places, apply for college, fall in love, get your heart broken... get a tattoo or rob a bank. anything,” beomgyu himself felt on a verge of bursting into tears. it almost hurt enough for him to stay. “just go and live, binnie,” he added.

“i’m not ready, beomgyu,” soobin bawled.

“you won’t ever be if i stay any longer.”

“i just don’t want you to disappear forever.”

“i’ll come back, just wait for me.”

“i love you, beomu,” soobin confessed. such a shame their first ‘ _i love you’_ got spoken under those circumstances. it almost felt forced, like a desperate attempt to make beomgyu stay. whatever it was, it didn't work.

“i love you, binnie.”

perhaps this death of beomgyu’s topped his first one with how much it hurt; he barely felt his first one. this, thought, was his decision.

_until their forever starts, he would remain trapped there with flowers reminding him of soobin - warm, beautiful, alive._

_as if dying once wasn’t enough._

a deafening silence filled the room. beomgyu smiled and walked towards the forest. who knew what would wait for him there. his eyes were watery and his last words dripped with sincerity, ‘ _be happy, do it for me, soobin. i promise we’ll meet’._

soobin sat on his bed. he didn’t even feel the need to breathe or blink. his mind went completely blank. where his heart used to be, there was emptiness.

it took days or weeks for soobin to stop pitying himself. he knew beomgyu wouldn’t want him like that. once, beomgyu even told soobin how ugly he looked while crying. reminiscing the boy’s words made him smile again, despite the ache he felt.

soobin couldn’t bear to stay in his ( _their_ ) room alone. even the silence felt clamorous, causing soobin to cover his ears everytime. soobin could swear he sometimes heard beomgyu’s laughter. however he was left with the sound of his own beating heat. _how ironic_.

soobin missed beomgyu’s singing or his deep, husky voice in the morning. his heart ached for those bell-like sounds that used to welcome him daily. soobin mourned over the picture that used to live. it felt like his sun had set; the only source of light and warmth was gone for who knew how long.

therefore soobin asked taehyun to move in. it indeed was only to fill the void. perhaps taehyun had many questions yet he didn't ask anything. he allowed soobin to sort everything out at his own pace. he tried to approach the boy, but he respected when soobin didn’t feel like talking for a few days or weeks. _he liked him too much to let him suffer alone. thus taehyun became another of those people pained by soobin’s pain._

perhaps beomgyu made the sun set, but taehyun let the stars shine. beomgyu decorated the blue sky, but taehyun filled the darkness with little flickering lights. whilst beomgyu’s scent reminded him of summer, taehyun’s dripped with autumn. there was something homey about taehyun. his voice was coloured with red and yellow - his whole appearance harmonised in warm tones.

soon after he moved in, soobin felt safe again. taehyun became soobin’s home, but soobin still gravitated to that one certain meadow.

later on, soobin realised how hard it must had been for beomgyu. once, when soobin felt like his world was too unbearable without the boy, he searched for the videos he had recorded. to his great disappointment, the beomgyu in his videos remained motionless. it made soobin doubt whether he didn’t simply imagine it all. his heart ached yet he felt in peace. it would be unfair to beomgyu, after all. neither of them had anything to remind them of each other - of what they lost.

perhaps the people were right. more important than what they lost was what they found together. and that’s what soobin was supposed to learn. he should know that good memories both hurt and heal. rather be hurt because the good times were gone than not experience them at all.

_but soobin didn't want to lose beomgyu the way he had lost his mother...he didn't want to forget about the colour of his voice, the way he bounced whenever he got excited, the little lisp he had when he spoke too fast only to share his joy. soobin refused to admit beomgyu died again._

soobin often wondered what beomgyu was doing. knowing him, he probably sat somewhere in his forest, reminiscing all good memories he had. beomgyu was that kind of person. he never regretted anything, simply accepting things the way they came.

soobin couldn't settle for the incompleteness he felt. he despised the thought that he would have to fill in the void beomgyu left him with. it almost felt like forgetting him. using other people to create an illusion of feelings didn't sound right either. soobin found every possible option unfair in a certain way. but if it's unfair to everyone, wouldn't it be fair?

_and i just can't reach out to tell you_

_that i always wonder what you're up to_

beomgyu sure had believed in destiny. they were supposed to meet like that. and in order to reach soobin’s happiness, he had to sacrifice his own.

thus it would be unfair to him if soobin didn’t keep his promise.

beomgyu taught soobin how to live and taehyun proved to him that death is nothing less but a new beginning. a painful new start that left people with broken hearts. however, it allowed them to heal.

soobin started learning how to love taehyun. he found little pieces of beomgyu hidden in the boy; his eyes became crescents whenever he smiled, his cheeks showed small dimples when he laughed, his giggles echoed in his apartment as if they always belonged there. but still, he wasn’t beomgyu. he wasn’t _soobin’s beomgyu._

taehyun started becoming soobin’s taehyun at some point. his taehyun helped him escape the emotional hell. his taehyun helped him study for his exams. his taehyun took care of him when he didn't feel like existing. his taehyun told him his first ‘ _i love you’_ on beomgyu’s birthday.

it took soobin a long time to reciprocate not only his words but feelings. he slowly allowed himself to feel again. he became less numb to the world around him. it left a burning sensation all over his body, but it felt relieving. life was bearable again.

beomgyu was right, as always. soobin indeed learnt how to love taehyun the way he would love him. it definitely was unfair towards taehyun, but soobin hid it well; he replaced each insecurity with kisses, each dark thought with a bright smile, and each nightmare with daydreaming. soobin opened up with taehyun and even learnt to love himself a bit more. if beomgyu and taehyun could love him, why couldn’t he?

he didn’t feel like he had to hide behind his walls anymore. instead, beomgyu had helped him build a door. soobin finally decided to open the door after taehyun’s tireless knocking. in the end, he gave the boy a key. the key that beomgyu made. it was him whom soobin loved taehyun for after all.

when beomgyu left, his picture died too. the trees weren’t green anymore, rather shades of brown and red colouring their leaves. the moon and dark clouds replaced the sun on the blue sky, threatening to break into a thunderstorm any second.

“i hope you have an umbrella, dumbass,” soobin smiled fondly. once again, his eyes remained dry. he moved on and remembered the memories they made - especially those that reminded soobin of what it felt like to be alive. he had stopped trying to forget beomgyu. the memory of the boy safely locked in soobin's heart, as if it had always belonged there.

_i live through pictures as if i was right there by your side_

_but you’ll be good without me and if i could just give it some time_

_i’ll be alright_

_i will wait for you._

_but will you wait for me?_

**Author's Note:**

> thanks to anyone who read this. i really hope it made at least someone feel something.  
> always be kind to yourself and have a nice day <3  
> here is my [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/daniel_505)


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